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Do you know that feeling when you think, think and think but just don’t come to a conclusion? (Well, a friend of mine would say “Yeah, that’s how men must feel like all the time.” but whatever.) At the moment I’m stuck in some kind of vicious circle which I used to think was just the usual twenty-something life drama but it turned into some more general issue which doesn’t let me sleep and haunts me everyday and at any possible opportunity.

The thing is: Everyone seems to have some sort of goal, something they want to achieve one day, even if it’s something rather unrealistic-sounding like “become a rockstar” or “marry Megan Fox”. Or even “have a house in the countryside, a child and a big car”. I just feel like I have none. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot come up with something I’d like to do with my life.

Life advice books and sites ever so often say things like “make a list of your goals, split them into pieces and work towards them” or, more radical, “Get off your arse, stop moaning and do something!” – which is a pretty fair advice, given that you know what exactly it is that you want. Well, I don’t. The sad truth is: I don’t have ambitions. I mean, it’s not that I’m an unambitious person, I just don’t have anything to be ambitious for. There are so many things you can do with your life and they either bore me or make no sense. Like, of course I want to travel and share my life with someone I love – still, all these things are just additions and external circumstances that will never make me happy unless I’m happy already. If life has taught me one lesson yet, then it’s definitely this one.

Most people around me seem to be very focused on their goals and carreers which is something I admire on the one hand and am scared of on the other. If I know one thing, it’s that I don’t give a fuck about my carreer. Seriously, I don’t. All these things like money and success become so trivial once you realise that there are other things that truly matter and make you happy and that it’s impossible to enjoy and appreciate your circumstances if you aren’t happy and haven’t yet fixed yourself.

Recently I’ve realised that this seems hard to understand for most people – how can somebody not care about a well paid job, not be bothered to settle down, refuse to suck up to people for the purpose of getting employed and just generally don’t care? The idea of jobs nowadays just becomes more and more ridiculous the more I think about it. You spend all day doing something, you get paid, you become more successful, you get paid more, you get a house, car, flat-screen TV and spend your rare free time moaning about how busy you are. Seriously, I just don’t get the point.

Of course, being constantly broke and barely able to pay my bills – which is basically the state I am in now – isn’t exactly what I’ve imagined my life to be like, neither do I want to end up in crappy student jobs for the rest of my life, simply because I cannot make up my mind and figure out what I want.

I. Just. Don’t. Know. Writing this down somewhat helped to get it all out of me, I’m still not wiser, I’m still not a single step further but I do believe in fate, I do believe in coincidences and thus in random, spontaneous enlightenment which will hopefully strike me one day.

“And if all you ever do with your life is photosynthesize, then you deserve every hour of these sleepless nights that you spend wondering when you’re gonna die.”

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❤ collective Facebook hangovers ❤ free bars ❤ baking muffins – “my” muffins even gained some sort of fame among my friends, haha ❤ Booster Energy drinks – I know, they’re probably very bad for you but super cheap & tastier than Red Bull ❤ making mixtapes ❤ having my Dutch friends staying over & finding them the perfect flat to move into soon ❤ American Apparel nail varnish ❤ the weather – I really should enjoy it more, you never know what comes next ❤ doing interviews ❤ cooking – you might not believe it but I actually started to enjoy making myself food ❤ tasty looking meals like this, this & this ❤ “We are all somewhat damaged & in that realization we are beautiful.” ❤ fortune cookies – we went to White Trash for dinner the other night, got cookies with the bill & mine said “Perform a good deed today.” & “Don’t overlook the obvious.” Hmmm… ❤ last nights dream which included me swapping wardrobes with Zana Bayne, haha ❤ the fact that I’m basically out of uni for 4 months now ❤ funny coincidences ❤ sneaking into my parents’ hotel for breakfast & having an all-you-can-eat orgy ❤

“Get dirty. Get fucking filthy. Get poor. Get off your ass. Get desperate. Get dangerous. Get vilified. Get vile. Get romantic. Get fucked. Get moving. Get productive. Get pro-active. Get started. Get your own life. Get doing something. Anything. Because before you know it you’re 40 with kids, a mortgage, and responsibilities that cause your fun to come second. So before cancer, before children, before 50 hour work weeks, before back and knee problems, before school loans, before you lose your sense of humor… Fight. Fight and fuck and run and smile. Smile because the older you get, the less you will. So yes, “quit being such a goddamn pussy,” because bitching and whining and worry never made anything better.”

Life has been treating me pretty ok-ish, I started working and I feel the urge to get out of the city for a while which is not going to happen though for various reasons. I think there’s always a point where the big city is just sucking you up, you, your creativity, your motivation and I have no clue what to do against it. Instead I keep doing things that are not too good for me & simply just wait.

❤ getting to a club in the dark and leaving it when it’s light again – I love this just as much as I hate it ❤ lunch with the family – we went to the most amazing Vietnamese place in Prenzlauer Berg & I had duck with peanut sauce & mango lassi ❤ this ❤ strobelight, smoke & Indie disco like it’s 2005 ❤ looking forward to things ❤ avocados with salt ❤ making mixtapes ❤ taking my brother to a gig – we went to see The Cinematics last night  ❤ the weather – it’s so nice & warm & sunny, I can feel the summer coming! ❤ attempting to get a proper tan – going to the sunbeds is quite expensive but extremely relaxing ❤ meeting new people ❤ the prospect of maybe being at Way Out West Festival in Sweden this year ❤ these sloths ❤ being the German correspondent for my friends who are planning on moving over ❤ surviving ❤ Johnny’s Bird ❤ “If we’re stuck on this ship and it’s sinking, then we might as well have a parade.” ❤ designing my invoices – I haven’t sent out many yet but if I do, I want them to look nice ❤ coming home in the morning & falling asleep to old “Kommissar Rex” episodes on TV ❤ this dog ❤ waffles with ice cream ❤ And What Happened To Love?

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Good morning! I’m feeling really good today and I don’t even know why, the weather isn’t particularly good & I have lots of things to do. But I know it’s gonna be a super productive day, I’ll try to get everything done that I’ve been putting of for the past weeks or even months. Like, pick that book up from the post office. Or go to the gym.

In other news, Franzi and me made a little Mixtape, I interviewed Born Ruffians and we’re giving away guestlist for Boys Noize tomorrow, so hurry up! I have a pretty busy weekend coming up, my parents & brother will be in Berlin, there will be birthday lunches and gigs and a constant lack of money but I’m looking forward to it.

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I haven’t done this list in quite a while but I just felt like it this morning. ❤ being back at LUSH – I felt like I needed a job again & got it, it feels like I never stopped working there ❤ Mixcloud ❤ Bubblegum Lip Scrub – it’s pink, tastes of candy and makes my lips super soft ❤ seeing the results of things I worked on and being super proud ❤ the new Tumblr archives ❤ ordering books, even if it’s just for my thesis ❤ new exciting projects & productive meetings ❤ browsing through private websites I used to read when I was 14 to see which ones still exist (some even do!) ❤ My △ brings all the hipsters to the yard and they’re like, “How avant-garde…” ❤ Every Summer Music Festival You’ve Ever Been To ❤ my new lace-up leather shoes/boots which kinda look like this ❤ looking forward to the swimming pool season – although I dislike summer I can’t wait for it to get warmer ❤ the fruits pool on weheartit ❤ “And those that were seen dancing were thought to be insane by those who could not hear the music.” – Friedrich Nietzsche ❤ my brother – he’s so amazing & cute and I will take him to a gig next week when my family is here ❤ Kittens On A Slide – I know, I knooow… but it is cute! I love cats. ❤ my flat, still, it’s so nice & big & white ❤ Sleeping. Excessively. ❤

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Some more sunny days in the city, accidentally in panorama mode again. Today we’re having another barbeque in the park so I’m off to prepare some food!

Last night we climbed up Vero’s roof and celebrated the international day of the beer. Honestly, I’ve always wanted to know someone with a roof terrace and now I do! It’s not exactly a roof terrace, more just a rooftop which you can climb up but it’s truly amazing to watch the sunset with a 360° view all over the city (and they say the evil volcano ash makes the sunsets even more beautiful these days). I think from now on I will spend every sunny day up there!

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The weather got a bit shitty around here, the sun is still shining every once in a while but apart from that it’s freezing cold and yesterday I even witnessed a hailstorm. For some reason the heating in my house stopped working which makes the whole thing even more unpleasant. Plus, I’m skint. Skint-skint, not just “a little bit broke”, which kinda limits your options in a big city. I’m really good at surviving without money if I have to, but I still prefer indulging in the tiny little pleasures here and there. I hope it’s over tomorrow.

I will spend the rest of the day pretty much like I spent last night – a lot of rubbish on TV, watching the hamsters, drinking tea (I ran out of coffee the other day), having a long, hot & sweet-smelling shower, playing silly jump’n'run games with penguins and listening to electro mixes on Mixcloud & girly pop by Marina & The Diamonds.

[audio:http://c.wrzuta.pl/wa2160/e700365300206b014b765387/0/marina%20and%20the%20diamonds%20-%20oh%20no!.mp3]

Got my first roll of film from Berlin developed today – a mix of nights out with various people. Reminds me of how important it is to always take photos to capture the good times. More to come soon!

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After being absent from my blog for such a long time it always feels weird to start again. I’m a bit too lazy to sum up the past two months (wow, I didn’t realise it was that long), but I’ve had a nice time over here so far and took lots of photos which I’m going to get developed soon.

It’s slowly getting warmer in Berlin, we had our very first barbeque at Mauerpark the other week, I’m taking every day as it comes, there have been countless nights out and lots of people, playing cards in bars and watching Tatort in pubs (two of my new favourite routines, although I’m not quite sure if we’ll really manage to properly establish them), I had my brother staying over for a few days, went shopping, had good conversations, witnessed a warehouse catching fire (creepy), planned my bachelor thesis (finally), been to a good handful of gigs and I was involved in some very cool and interesting stuff (more on that soon).

I’ve missed my blog a lot, I always have so much to tell so I really need a place to share it with… everyone who’s into reading it. There’s so much stuff happening and from now on there will be more frequent updates, I promise (I really do this time!)

I‘m finally here. The first night in my flat was nice, there’s this saying that what the dreams you have the first night in a new place will come true… and it could be worse, as far as I remember my dream were alright. It’s definitely the nicest flat I’ve lived in so far, big, high ceilings and a seperate kitchen.

I arrived in the early afternoon yesterday, carried my stuff through the backyard in a shopping cart, went to sign my contract and then Jasmin and me finally headed for IKEA to get some stuff for the flat. I spent a fortune but considering I only moved with very little stuff and completely without furniture it’s ok I think. It looks very nice now, pretty plain and white and just the way I like it.

I still need to get used to the silence, it’s really quiet here and after living on a really busy street for about a year it feels really weird not to have all the noises around you. Tonight I’m having some kind of housewarming with a few people – should be fun!

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I‘m moving tomorrow and I’m not sure if I’m prepared, at least I’m less prepared then the last times I moved places. I started packing yesterday and realised I still own way too much stuff. I’m not sure if three boxes and two bags are “way too much” but it still annoys me and having lots of stuff just makes things complicated.

Today I visited my parents & my brother and we went to the Karneval parade. (In case you’re not familar with this whole Karneval madness: people play music and throw candy, chocolate and millions of other useless things including lipsticks, tissues and sponges.) I think I haven’t been to any proper parade in two or three years and despite the cold it was a lot of fun to watch. My best catch was a tube of self-tanning body lotion and a Kelly Family badge.

(Jasmin as a sailor, Mikey as a Scotsman aka. himself and me as a cowgirl.)

I do admit it, Karneval is a pretty weird event. If you, like me, grew up with it you barely question it and it makes perfect sense: Once a year you dress up, party on the streets for five days in a row, dance to party songs, go to parades where people throw candy and just genrally follow a mad tradition without really knowing where it actually came from. It doesn’t matter anyway. As a child you love it, as a teenager you are annoyed by it and as you get older you fall in love with it again because it reminds you of home and good times. You can sing along to every song and you feel how it connects everybody on the streets, just like that. In terms of these things, Cologne is probably the most open-minded city I know. Karneval connects us all and even though we like to deny it, deep inside we’re all patriotic as fuck. I can’t wait to hit the town tomorrow and celebrate!

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I‘m a walking cliché. I never thought this would ever happen but now I’m moving to Berlin in two weeks time. I’m not sure if I’d call it moving, it’s more going somewhere for a certain period of time without knowing how long this certain period will actually be, but anyway, I’m leaving this place at some point in mid-february.

I have a nice flat in Wedding, twice the size of my current one and in an old building with high ceilings. I will only take as little of my stuff as possible, I haven’t made any plans whatsoever and I will just wait and see what happens. I’m tired of making plans, things usually happen when you least expect them anyway. I got the feeling that it’s gonna be good so I will trust my intuition. See you there.

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I‘ve been a lousy blogger recently, I just don’t feel like writing because it feels like there is nothing going on. But in fact a lot is happening, so many thing are happening in the background and I can feel the change coming up. I’ve always seen change as an amazing thing with lots of great opportunities, although – I’ve probably said that lots of times before – I’ve learned changing my external circumstances will never change anything about me. It will change other circumstances, it might be exciting  at first but as soon as the first flash of enthusiasm is gone I find myself in the exact same position. A different location won’t do the job, but other things will. And they might actually happen.

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In other news, I finally found a topic for my bachelor thesis, I bought a shiny white MacBook and switched my digital life to Apple, I quit my first job at LUSH, still work a lot at my second, designed things, improved my still extremely poor Spanish skills, discovered new music, spent a weekend in Berlin, froze my arse off and planned things.

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I‘m walking through the Park of Human Rights. It’s not actually a park, more a bit of green with a hospital on the left and a big street on the right which I walk past pretty much everyday. “Right to Equality” is carved into a paving block I step on, I’m walking slowly so I don’t slip on the frozen ground. It’s cold and slippery, there’s so much snow everywhere, white, greyish, black, frozen and crunching under my feet. I’m bored of it already. I inhale the cold air and walk on. “Freedom of Speech”. Human fucking rights.

I can’t wait to get home, collapse onto the couch and do absolutely nothing. “AREN’T YOU FUCKING FREEZING?” a girl shouts at me. It takes me some time to realise she’s probably referring to my black nylon tights. With my pale skin shining through them it must look like I’m practically naked, although everyone knows tights keep you warmer than trousers, it’s a fact. I feel warm muffled up in my winter coat (which I temporarily ditched my leather jacket for), a wool scarf wrapped round my head and Doc Martens on my feet. Jealous bitch I think as I walk on.