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I love sleep. I find it hard to fall asleep these days but once it has happened, I’m safe. Sometimes, when it’s raining heavily at night, I open the door to the garden, I stand there in my short nightdress, it smells of rain and I feel the strong urge to just walk outside, lie down in the grass until I’m soaking wet, then go back inside and keep listening to the raindrops. Lock the door twice, just in case, and curl up in my bed with about five pillows. I’m having weird thoughts, just like my dreams which never stay in my memory but leave me in a state of general confusion everytime I wake up in the morning.

This morning I woke up, I went to the city and spent way too much money on weird things like a hair bow and leather gloves, I watched the brand new episode of a TV show online which is something I usually wouldn’t care about at all, I skyped with my flatmate and made plans for the Berlin summer with a friend. I haven’t made plans in a long time, it just never seemed appropriate to me since you never know what’s gonna happen next, how things will look like at the time for which you are making plans. Aside from the fact that yes, I did realise my communication ban didn’t quite work out, it all felt quite normal again. I felt quite normal again. I knew it would be pointless to just sit around in a white room, drinking fizzy drinks and waiting for general enlightenment – whatever it may be and wherever it would come from – yet I have to admit I was hoping for something to happen, maybe a side effect of spending so much time on my own in a quiet place, just something, anything, maybe just one single tiny thing that I didn’t know before. Even before I arrived here I knew that there’s things I need to do as soon as I get back and I’m more determined than ever to take action. This prospect almost makes me forget my fear of getting back into the real world after two weeks of almost complete social abstinence. In here I feel safe from the outside world but not safe from myself at all. I am my best company and my worst enemy at the same time. I am restless with a fierce disposition at times, striving for something, anything, always on the run and hiding in my sleep. I have one more week here, a week and a couple of days I guess, a few more days to get closer to myself, drink fizzy drinks, read books, eat healthy, listen to the rain and sleep.

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It wasn’t a big deal, no big drama prior to it, it just felt right to do it, so I booked a flight to Cologne – “the west” how I like to call it and explain it to people. I will be living in the guest house for about two weeks from Monday, trying not to be online, with my phone switched off and putting all my energy into getting clear again. It didn’t quite work around Christmas, I barely managed to recharge my batteries, things were putting me back all the time, I got back to Berlin with ambitions and failed. So I need some time off. Not a holiday. Not a plain and simple detox either. More a complete change of scenery, just for a while, get rid of everything including the paranoia that makes my life a mess and become clear. Because whatever I’ll decide to do with my life, I need the right mindset for it, be in the right state for it, everything else will always just be the icing on top. I’ve always known that, way before I started reading cheesy life-advice blogs. I also know it’s wrong to put too much hope into something quite trivial, like going away for a bit and leaving the city behind, but I love change, I love everything that’s new, I love making an effort to change things for the better, change myself, become someone else, or well, rather an improved version of myself. The more I think about it, the more I believe I can do it. I’ve come to a point where I know something needs to happen so I’m leaving and doing it, putting my priorities back in the right order: how I feel, what I’m doing, what I’m going to do and who will be with me. It’s weird, I just recently realised that there’s actually people who care, who are still there, which, trying not to sound too pathetic, is really quite surprising and weird since I’m a believer in that whole “You get what you deserve” thing and was convinced I clearly deserve a lot less. I spent about an hour talking about life with a random stranger in a photo booth somewhere on the streets of Kreuzberg last night. As I was walking home, a girl asked me if I was alright and if she could give me a hug. I have a flight for Monday afternoon, I really just need to get out of here.

Now that Edvina has properly moved to England and Peter went back to Sweden to study, say hello to our new flatmate: Rebecka! She’s Swedish (obviously) and puts everyone else to shame with her amazing German skills (I have seriously never met anyone else who isn’t at least partly German and that good at it). We both don’t exactly remember how we met but it must have been one of these house party nights in summer, as always. She moved into our apartment last week and after a busy week we are now finally bringing our social flat back to life again.

Sorry for being a terrible blogger. Here’s some more photos of snowy and icy Berlin and Cologne’s suburbs. Rest in peace, snow and ice, you’ve kept us company during Christmas and New Year’s, goodbye freezing cold nights & cooling drinks with icicles. Now it’s time to say hello to Spring.

Finally got some photos developed again. It’s winter in Berlin – we celebrated my birthday, there was a lot of snow, delicious work dinners, pre-parties and a party in an old abandoned Stasi building.

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Did you do anything you’ve never doner before? I finally got my very first tattoo which I love. I shaved off some of my hair. I moved in with people that are not my family. And other things. Did you keep any of your new years resolutions? I don’t think I really had any. “Have a good time” maybe which I kinda did, yes. Did any of your friends become parents 2010? Fuck, no. Did anyone close to you die? No, thank God. My grandpa on my father’s side died but we’d never been really close. He was very old, somewhere in his nineties, and he died with dignity. What countries did you visit? The Netherlands and Sweden. Is there anything you missed in 2010 that you want in 2011? Freedom. Even though I moved to a different city where I have a lot more liberties, I still worked my arse off and always knew I had to get the silly thesis done. Now that it’s all over I hope I can finally be 100% footloose and fancy-free. What dates from 2010 will you always remember? The 15th of February when I moved into my first flat in Wedding, the 20th of September when we moved into our flat in Neukölln and the 23rd of December which was the deadline for my thesis. What’s your biggest achievement in 2010? Finishing university and being done with my official education forever. Biggest mistake? Being stupid in situations that would have required reason. Have you been ill? Not really, I’ve had a cold and a sore throat a couple of times but only had to call in sick once. Best buy? My MacBook and a black see-through blouse which I wear all the time. What did you spend most money on? Food and drink. Did anything make you genuinely happy? These moments when I realised I have good friends who do care and that everything is going to be alright. What songs will always remind you of 2010? Burial & Four Tet – Moth, The Knife – Girls’ Night Out, Bonaparte – Boycott Everything, Placebo – Special K, Wild Nothing – Golden Haze. Have you been happier or unhappier this year compared to previous years? This is always a tough one. I’ve had some really good times which I haven’t had before but I often thought the bad times definitely outweighed the good. I’m not sure, you can’t really compare it to last year because I was in a completely different situation. I didn’t have a nice time either, but different. What do you wish that you did more of? Crazy things, really crazy things, not giving a fuck. What do you wish you did less of? Acting stupid and being so extremely lazy and powerless. How did you spend Christmas? With my family, in the city I’m originally from. My grandparents came over as well, we exchanged presents and had a nice dinner. Did you fall in love? No. Favourite TV show? I stopped watching TV in September but I’ve always enjoyed daily soaps, this mystery horror shit and German comedy. Do you hate someone now that you didn’t hate in the end of 2009? I don’t really hate people. I mean I hate people but I couldn’t come up with a single person who I truly hate. Best book you read in 2010? I have to admit I didn’t read that much this year and I don’t remember when I read what anyway. But I’d say “Glue” by Irvine Welsh, I think that was 2010 already. The best new band you discovered? Wild Nothing, Sleigh Bells, Caribou, Young Rebel Set, Darwin Deez. Something you wanted and got? I’ve always wanted a tattoo, to live with people, finish university, save up money, have more fun and a more intense social life. I got everything. Something you wanted and didn’t get? There’s various flats I looked at and didn’t get, but it doesn’t matter anymore. The best film you watched? Oh dear, I really don’t watch films. The only films I remember watching are “Shutter Island”, “Se7en”, “23″ and “Despicable Me”. Plus some really good documentaries on Crystal Meth, serial killers, red light districts and heroin addicts. What did you do on your birthday? I stayed in watching documentaries all day and in the afternoon my friends came to pick me up and take me for drinks. Turned out I was going to get my nose piercing at the piercing studio next door. Best present ever. Mia made some amazing dinner, I got a cake with haribo pigs on it and more and more people came over for some sort of surprise party. Is there anything that could have made your year any better? Less sad days and nights, worries, anger, fear. How would you describe your style this year? Black, as always. I started experimenting a lot more though and cared less, shaved off the side of my head, got pierced and tattooed, tried out some new things. I’m still in love with leather, though. What made you feel good about yourself? Realise I can actually do and achieve things if I really want to. What celebrity did you fancy the most? I got really tired of all this celebrity talk, I realised I don’t really care about these things that much when I was at a festival in Sweden where some supposedly “real” celebrities hung out in the same area as us. Kirsten Dunst was in the toilet next to me and I really couldn’t care less, I just thought it was funny. They all get old anyway. I saw Carl Barât – one of my major musician crushes when I was younger – perform recently and it made me sad to see him getting so old. Who did you miss? My friends who I left behind when I moved. The best people you met? All my flatmates.

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So I fled the big city and now I am here. This guest house is big and white, nicely furnished, and if I lie in bed and pull the curtains aside, I can look into the garden. It’s full of snow, soft, white and untouched. It’s incredibly quiet, there’s only the sound of the radiator which makes the cold more bearable. I spend most of the time in bed with my laptop, reading a lot and looking at things. At night I sit down and fill pages and pages of my notebook – I can’t even remember the last time I sat down to simply write, it must have been ages ago. I feel like if I archive things and thoughts by writing them down, they disappear from my head and make space for new things. So that’s what I’m doing. It’s quite a peaceful life and it gives me so much energy. I realised that there’s so many things I forgot about in the past couple of months, there’s so many ideas I’ve had which just became blurry. I want to get rid of all the unnecessary worries and be free of all the burdens from the past. No doubt, I had fun, but it barely scratched the surface. I want more. I have nothing to lose. Fuck me, I can’t wait to get back home and fully embrace what I have. I think I might go for a walk in the snow in a bit, I still know this city inside out, it’s scary, it reminds me of being young, just living and waiting for the future and for things to turn brighter. I’ve always been so curious what I would do and where I would be at the age of twenty-one. Now I know.

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It’s Christmas again and I feel exactly like last year. Only that this year going back there feels even more like getting out of this place, it feels like taking some time off the big mess that is Berlin, and for some reason it feels like the perfect opportunity for me to take a deep breath, spend some quiet time by myself and figure out what I want to do with my life. Like, sitting in the guest house all by myself writing or taking a walk in the forest and all these incredibly cheesy things. I’d love to get back here and start all over again, with more energy, more enthusiasm and with a plan. I’m looking forward to getting out of this place for a while, shake up my routines, dive into a different world, and even though I know I will go insane with all the thoughts and worries, self-hatred and fear, I just feel like it needs to be done. I need to look at things from a distance, far away from these four walls, the messy flat, the run-down charm of this city, the nights out, the people, the blurry joy and the tears and the never-changing and ever-dazzling loop I’m stuck in. Otherwise I will never be able to figure out what I want. As I said before, I’m not talking about what carreer to pursue, what country to travel to or any of this stuff, I’m talking about pure surviving. I just want to fucking survive. Merry Christmas everyone!

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Today I got my Bachelor thesis printed. I can’t really say it took me a long time to write it really, I just did it, but it absorbed a lot of energy. I feel glad and relieved which is quite interesting considering how little it actually means to me. I was going to write a long essay on how the new German university system made me lose my faith in education. How disappointed I was, how I feel like I spent almost three years doing practically nothing in order to finally hold a degree in my hands which doesn’t mean a thing since it’s based on, well, practically nothing. How I feel like I am mature enough to get the concept of university, that it is about learning and evolving independently and how I still believe being treated like a twelve-year-old is not part of it. How I missed freedom. But I don’t care anymore, I’m just glad to be out of it.

So I decided to get it done. I put effort into it and I believe I did well. I will have an education, because “whatever you want to do, please just get an education first.” Done. I don’t feel like I wasted a couple of years and I don’t regret doing it, cause honestly, I wouldn’t have known what to do otherwise. It just means absolutely nothing to me. I know for sure I will not go back to university, ever, I know I will need some time off but apart from that I have no clue. People ask me what I want to do and expect me to present them the next logical step, but my answers usually range between “full-time alcoholic” and “die”.

I’m not actually looking for realistic options, there’s plenty. I could travel anywhere in the world, I could call myself an “artist”, sit in bed all day watching movies & fill pages and pages of my Moleskine notebook with things that came to my mind while on psychedelic drugs, I could jump off a bridge and bite the dust or I could take up a proper full time job at a company that would happily employ me because I’m young and qualified. I could also get more tattoos, lose three stones and go to clubs every night, I could get my driving licence and go on roadtrips, I could sleep all day and drink an entire crate of Sternburg before going back to bed again. I could keep working in retail and make it big or join some obscure sub-culture you haven’t even heard of. There are plenty of options indeed and it doesn’t even bother me that I don’t know where to go. I’m just scared I won’t be able to enjoy it.

This post is dedicated to Vero.

Dinner in an old English book shop in Kreuzberg, Peter being artistic, haircutting & stencil sessions in the kitchen and a party at SXF airport. My t-shirt says “I’m single. What a life!”.

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We finally got internet in our flat so we spent the whole morning sitting in front of our laptops – there goes our very social flat share. I kind of enjoyed having no internet, it gave me a reason to go downstairs to the café a lot but it was quite annoying, too, having to go somewhere everytime I had to make a bank transfer or do something else that couldn’t be done on my hipster internet mobile. I’m so dependent on the internet, it scares me.

It’s been snowing a lot in Berlin, it’s freezing cold, the whole city is white and of course the public transport system collapsed, like every year. I feel like indulging in all the nice day off pleasures, haveing a bath, drinking coffee & just being lazy before going out tonight. But for weeks I’m having this weird feeling that I’m constantly missing out on something. I’m feeling quite isolated, despite being surrounded by people all the time, I want more more more, I want to stop thinking, I want to be constantly distracted yet to be left alone.

I finished writing my Bachelor thesis, I just need to hand it in. I will take a break from working. I have nothing to lose since I never really had anything in the first place. Except for money, which I have. I will be free. “You’re just a plain and nice girl and that’s ok, but you don’t like it so you’re trying to be someone else and that makes you unhappy.” a friend said to me recently and I think it’s true, I’m quite plain, I’m not exactly special, I don’t really have anything to do, I don’t have a passion, I’m just there and it makes me feel uncomfortable. And it shouldn’t since I’m in a position where I can just do whatever I truly feel like. Times are weird, I want them to get back to happy.

This is Peter, he’s renting Edvina’s room for two months, he’s Swedish (obviously), he plays guitar, likes music and is the perfect addition to our flat. Let’s see how Berlin can destroy this innocent boy. Oh, and by the way, he really likes dip sauce.

P.S.: He’s not a hipster, it’s just Mia‘s photography.