©

Today is the first Sunday in ages I don’t feel totally knackered and miserable. I went home relatively early, decided not to force myself to go anywhere just for the sake of it and to feel less like a loser who works Monday to Friday and spends the weekends just as boring. But instead of staying out till noon I went to sleep and had the weirdest dream about walking around town with a drug dealer named Duck. Recently, I’ve developed a rather unhealthy love for Tatort and takeaway food, preferably both at the same time, sitting in the corner of my room on my two mattresses, my laptop placed on a Sternburg beer crate, my brain switched off, slowly forgetting what I am actually here for. I am constantly thinking about what to do to add some excitement to my life but it never really goes beyond “dye my hair and get a new tattoo”. The be honest, for me it’s not even such a big deal to get something permanently inked on my body, it’s not like I’m sitting at home wondering whether or not I will regret it one day. I just need keep reminding myself I can do everything I want to do, I just need to fucking do it. Be right back, I’m going to re-invent myself, no big deal, but it does require getting out of bed.

I don’t mean to sound like the laziest bum of all times, I actually do stuff, I renewed my gym membership the other day and I’ve actually gone since, I have a job which I enjoy and which I am good at I guess, I keep ticking off items on my to-do list on a regular base and I have a social life which is more or less satisfying so it’s kind of alright, I just get bored easily. The nice weather over here gives you the feeling it’s socially unacceptable to stay inside, you need to leave the house to pursue some sort of outdoor activity, even if it’s just sitting around in the park drinking. If you make the mistake to log into Facebook chat, don’t be surprised by the forceful “GO OUTSIDE!” messages you will receive. “Why are you not outside then?” – “I need to study.” Oh, alright, lucky you.

It’s Sunday afternoon, I’m enjoying the benifts of a clear mind and a hydrated body, listening to David Bowie, a Tatort episode loading in the background, the sun’s shining into my window on the fourth floor and next week I am finally making a tattoo appointment, I swear. And maybe, between all the work and sleep, I might find some time to re-invent myself, it’s on my to-do list, clearly.

©

Mia and me went to the West and back, I found a lovely shirt which I decided not to buy in the end and if I ever get my second disposable camera back which I forgot to pick back up from a club, there will be even more photos.

©

It’s Easter which means I’m having four days off in a row, it’s the best April weather you can imagine and I spent most of my weekend outside. Last night Karen Sofie, Sigrid, Conor and me went up Teufelsberg to hang out and watch the sunset over Berlin. I can’t believe I hadn’t done this before, it’s such a beautiful place (and I mean beautiful in a totally non-cheesy way, I’m probaby the least romantic person you’ll ever meet, or maybe that’s an exaggeration) and probably one of the coolest things I’ve seen and done in a long time. So simple yet really amazing. It feels like the entire city is coming out of hibernation at the moment, there’s always something happening and it’s just nice to go out and do things. I feel like I haven’t been this relaxed in a long long time.

©

©

It’s spring. I officially have my Bachelor degree. I’m out of uni forever and I can put a pretentious BA behind my name if I felt like it. I’m disappointed by how little I care. I got both my ears pierced again just out of boredom. I was nervous, again, but it barely hurt. I finally found sunglasses that suit me. They’re a bit purple. Purple is the colour of desperate women but I like them anyway. I quit my job and took up a new one. I feel like a walking cliché. Working in media in Mitte with the word “marketing” on my soon to be printed business card. Living in a run-down flat owning nothing but a MacBook. Our flat is like a family these days. We cook and do day trips to the park. If I don’t lock myself in my room, that is. I love commuting. I love being busy because it gives me a purpose. I cut my hair again. I keep having dreams about dying it bleach blonde and then colouring it pink. Or blue. I want to look different. Like, re-invent myself. I’m drinking way too much coffee and the days are getting longer. I listen to music again, every morning before I leave the house. And I haven’t changed my alarm song in what feels like years. The same song wakes me up every morning. “I own earth, wind and fire, it breeds the hunger that keeps me on the road again, it’s earth wind and fire, I don’t own thunder, it’s owned by a love of mine.” Everything is different but nothing has changed. I’m not really waiting for anything spectacular to happen, at the moment I’m okay with only existing and someday, when I’m ready for it, there’s gonna be a big explosion shattering my world to pieces so I can start all over again.

©

Spring is the right time for a mixtape because the good weather is still all fresh and makes you feel like going out and doing things, it reminds you of the good times you had outside, in parks, summer open airs with music and then there’s all these evenings at home when someone puts on music. Nostalgic and anticipating at the same time. No matter how old or new the songs are, whether they’re acoustic or electronic, I just love collecting music to capture the feel of a certain time.

**********

Dirty Doering – I Would. The Dø – Slippery Slope. Solomun – The Way Back. Lykke Li – I Follow Rivers (The Magician Remix). Oliver Koletzki feat. Mieze Katz – This Is Leasure. Dapayk & Padberg feat. Caro – Island (Noze Remix). YUCK – Get Away. Bibio – Light Sleep. Edward Sharpe & The Magnetic Zeros – Home. Xiu Xiu – Chocolate Makes You Happy. The Maccabees – No Kind Words. Die Piratenbraut – 1, 2, 3, 4, 5 und 20. James Blake – Limit To Your Love. David Bowie – Changes. Metronomy – She Wants. Tocotronic – Explosion. Burial & Four Tet – Moth. Kleerup – Thank You For Nothing. Jamie T – Earth, Wind & Fire. The Grand Spectacular – Being A Dickhead’s Cool.

It’s been a while since I last posted photos, or anything actually. Spring has arrived, kind of, so here are some random shots from Berlin and Cologne, including Karneval of course.

I didn’t dress up as anything crazy, just this harlequin-esque dress and lots of silver glitter. Karneval has been great and lots of fun, we went out a lot and saw a parade but it’s also been extremely physically exhausting so I’m also looking forward to going back to Berlin tommorrow. (Just because people asked, Linus dressed up as a pink Hawaiian flamingo, Julia was a glittery butterfly and Tine and Paul were the Ampelmännchen of Berlin, such an amazing idea but not everyone recognised it. I might post some photos soon).

Julia, Tine, Paul, Linus and me on the train to Cologne. We’re off to celebrate Karneval, we all have the most amazing costumes and it’s gonna be lots of fun! I’m not patriotic really but oh how I have missed it…

©

I‘m back in Berlin. Within a few hours I put all my things back in place, downed a bottle of Club Mate, had a shower, downed a bottle of Diet Coke and tried to catch up with everything I missed during my absence. Funny how easily you can just adapt to your environment again. I have to admit I was a bit scared to leave my social isolation and get back to my normal life, God knows why, but it was definitely a good step to get back to the real world. I guess I will spend the next few days sorting my life out, I left all important decisions and everything else until “when I’m back” so I guess now it’s time to actually do something. I will have more time since I decided to work less and I might start doing something new, who knows. I used to excuse my lazy behaviour with that state of preparation I felt like I was in but I realised I will probably prepare forever if I don’t decide that it’s time to take action and take it to the next level. Fucking go out and do whatever I have been preparing for. For the first time in a long time I think everything’s gonna be alright.

Today I finally found an online stream of an amazing documentary I saw on TV about a year ago. One of the best and most fascinating documentaries about the universe I have seen so far. Watching it doesn’t only make you feel incredibly small, it also makes you realise all the silly and trivial things we worry about when there’s so much stuff going on out there. Crazy and unreal but totally worth watching (even if you don’t speak German, the pictures are amazing, too). Yes, I admit it, call me a hipster but I do reblog orion nebula photos on Tumblr and I am absolutely fascinated by the beauty of the universe and all the mysteries behind it.

© unknown

Bold those that apply. There’s something else I should be doing at the moment. I am lactose intolerant. Theres a nearby TV on. I get along with my neighbors. It’s night right now. I’m hungry right now. I hate British accents. Victoria’s Secret is a good store. Cats are better than dogs. The 90’s sucked. My cell phone is right next to me. My favorite color is either blue or purple. My hair is short. I am by myself right now. The last thing I drank was water. I’m in my PJ’s right now. My hair colour is natural. I don’t drink soda. There’s at least 20€ in my wallet. It’s cold outside. Orange juice is better than apple juice. I love someone right now. Video games are awesome. My sheets are white. I have read works by Shakespeare before. I’ve been professionally diagnosed with a psychological disorder. I am missing someone right now. I know someone in the hospital right now. I know someone who has beaten cancer. Sneakers are my favorite shoes to wear. Chocolate is better than vanilla. I am allergic to peanuts. I’ve never been to New York City. I’m using a laptop right now. Vanilla is the best scent a girl can wear. I have met someone famous. I’ve cheated on someone before. I have a broken heart at the moment. My friends do drugs. My nails have nail polish on them right now. I have a tan right now. I’ve been on a diet before. I shop in plus sized clothing stores. There are socks on my feet right now. I’ve used a hair straightener. Shopping online is easier than shopping in an actual store. Cheesecake is delicious. I have gotten my hair cut in the past 3 months. My birthday is within the next 2 months. Comedies are better than action films. I am fluent in more than one language. I consider myself a picky eater. I have more than 3 pillows on my bed. I live with my parents. I’m happy right now. I am a high school graduate. I have a pet cat. I have brown hair. I am in a relationship. I am a vegetarian. I am currently enrolled in university. I have done something I told myself I wouldn’t. I wear contact lenses. I have a tattoo. I have curly hair. I have received flowers from someone in the last 2 months. I have been out to eat at a sit-down restaurant in the last week. I have been drunk in the past 24 hours. I have been to the movies within the last month. I have cursed in front of my grandparents. I actually pay attention to politics. I am still waiting for my first kiss. I would kiss the last person I kissed again. Baths are better than showers. I woke up before 11 this morning. My parents are still together. I have spent more than 100€ on one item of clothing. I am a good speller. I have a job. I am always on time. I believe in karma. I have spent the night at someone else’s house within the last 2 weeks. I have been out of the country within the last year. I have taken pictures of myself just because I was bored. I have been to a cemetary at midnight. I have done something just for the fact that I was old enough to. I own a cowboy hat. I have cheated on someone. I have been cheated on. I have stayed up for 48 hours straight.

Since I temporarily moved into this guest house I’ve had a lot of free time on my hands. Don’t get me wrong, I chose to live isolated for a while, the only company being my family who I occasionally see for lunch and my computer which I mainly use for silly games, series, reading, Facebook chatting or music. It’s interesting since I had reached a point in the past where I simply wasn’t able to listen to music anymore. Every single tune I’d put on would immediately bring up some sort of memory, good, bad, mostly both, that would completely distract me from enjoying it. I was unable to just lie down, listen to a song and enjoy the simple brilliance of it and get lost in the music. At least not on my own and sober. I don’t even remember how it happened, but after a week of almost complete social isolation I eventually decided to put on a song again, “Station To Station”, one of my favourites by David Bowie and I spent the past days listening to him again continuously. It’s that kind of music that seems too classic to even talk about it and yet it became my perfect soundtrack for this time and restored my ability to do nothing but listen to music. I’d love to be born earlier and absorb the whole feeling of different generations coined by their music. Like the film-version of Christiane F. who runs away from the police through a shopping centre at night time, accompanied by the German version of “Heroes” and eventually ends up seeing her idol live, the unapproachable Thin White Duke. Not a cinematic masterpiece if you ask me although Tarantino supposedly called that one scene one of the best concert scenes in movies. But regardless of the film that mainly romanticised heroin, and regardless of the fact I clearly write my weirdest posts at night after most of my senses have left me, David Bowie’s records definitely contain some of the most amazing music I’ve ever come across and I’m so glad some time on my own has finally got me into the brilliance of the music again that I’ve loved for such a long time.