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Do you know that feeling when you think, think and think but just don’t come to a conclusion? (Well, a friend of mine would say “Yeah, that’s how men must feel like all the time.” but whatever.) At the moment I’m stuck in some kind of vicious circle which I used to think was just the usual twenty-something life drama but it turned into some more general issue which doesn’t let me sleep and haunts me everyday and at any possible opportunity.
The thing is: Everyone seems to have some sort of goal, something they want to achieve one day, even if it’s something rather unrealistic-sounding like “become a rockstar” or “marry Megan Fox”. Or even “have a house in the countryside, a child and a big car”. I just feel like I have none. No matter how hard I try, I simply cannot come up with something I’d like to do with my life.
Life advice books and sites ever so often say things like “make a list of your goals, split them into pieces and work towards them” or, more radical, “Get off your arse, stop moaning and do something!” - which is a pretty fair advice, given that you know what exactly it is that you want. Well, I don’t. The sad truth is: I don’t have ambitions. I mean, it’s not that I’m an unambitious person, I just don’t have anything to be ambitious for. There are so many things you can do with your life and they either bore me or make no sense. Like, of course I want to travel and share my life with someone I love - still, all these things are just additions and external circumstances that will never make me happy unless I’m happy already. If life has taught me one lesson yet, then it’s definitely this one.
Most people around me seem to be very focused on their goals and carreers which is something I admire on the one hand and am scared of on the other. If I know one thing, it’s that I don’t give a fuck about my carreer. Seriously, I don’t. All these things like money and success become so trivial once you realise that there are other things that truly matter and make you happy and that it’s impossible to enjoy and appreciate your circumstances if you aren’t happy and haven’t yet fixed yourself.
Recently I’ve realised that this seems hard to understand for most people - how can somebody not care about a well paid job, not be bothered to settle down, refuse to suck up to people for the purpose of getting employed and just generally don’t care? The idea of jobs nowadays just becomes more and more ridiculous the more I think about it. You spend all day doing something, you get paid, you become more successful, you get paid more, you get a house, car, flat-screen TV and spend your rare free time moaning about how busy you are. Seriously, I just don’t get the point.
Of course, being constantly broke and barely able to pay my bills - which is basically the state I am in now - isn’t exactly what I’ve imagined my life to be like, neither do I want to end up in crappy student jobs for the rest of my life, simply because I cannot make up my mind and figure out what I want.
I. Just. Don’t. Know. Writing this down somewhat helped to get it all out of me, I’m still not wiser, I’m still not a single step further but I do believe in fate, I do believe in coincidences and thus in random, spontaneous enlightenment which will hopefully strike me one day.
“And if all you ever do with your life is photosynthesize, then you deserve every hour of these sleepless nights that you spend wondering when you’re gonna die.”
